capitalh | there are dudes everywhere

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there are dudes everywhere

Who: Sollux, Feferi, Milly, and Ana. Also anyone else who wants in!
Where: Mostly around Grand Park in central LA.
When: Sometime during the week of the 16th, in the early evening.
What: CONDOR tries to get Sollux to deal with his hideous agoraphobia by getting him to go to the park for a while, under heavy surveillance. Also, previously, Sollux gets shown knives by his matesprit.
Warnings: Sollux problems.

There are less people in the park in the evening, but still enough to make Sollux nervous. Everything makes him nervous, which is why he was told to come out here. Despite his terror at the idea of trusting anything to CONDOR, and the fact that recently he's been convinced that it's only a matter of time until someone destroys him, after a great deal of persistence he's grudgingly accepted their offer for a way to work through some of his fears.

Apparently they are watching him, enough that they can keep him safe. The idea of being spied on doesn't bother him as much as the idea that their protection may not be adequate. He claws at his collar anxiously, sitting on a bench by himself and eyeing the water fountain with intense trepidation. Already, the sound of running water is starting to get to him.

Theoretically he can go whenever he wants, but he feels like he should be waiting for something to change. Like, maybe if he can keep himself from having a panic attack long enough, it won't happen at all. It's not seeming likely, though.

So he sits by himself on the bench, dressed in his red and blue flannel and jeans, trying to blend in. He doesn't really. The red and blue sunglasses he ordered online don't cover all the metal implants coming out of his head, and they definitely don't cover his horns or his great skin.

A lot of people have been staring at him, and it makes him want to start screaming. He may not see the CONDOR agents watching him, but other people very well might notice the government agents stalking this strange alien.

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"Oh..." he says quietly, staring at the grass in front of them. Her answer seems to bring on a certain melancholy in his demeanor. He doesn't say anything for a while.

"I'm having trouble," he says, finally. He doesn't look at her. "I'm worse but nobody can help me."

"What kind of trouble?" Milly asks, almost immediately. Maybe she shouldn't pry -- maybe Sollux doesn't want her asking questions -- but he's telling her all the same. She has a hard time accepting that he wouldn't need -- or want -- her help. "Why can't anyone help you?"

"Because...troll things," he says. He wraps his arms around himself. "Because I'm...sick and humans don't know. Brain sick and I'm scared."

Milly feels so helpless listening to him, and it frustrates her. She hardly knows Sollux, but she knows someone who needs help when she sees them, and it's -- well, it's all she wants to do. She balls her hands into fists in her lap, watching him with a look of concern and sympathy.

"Aren't there any other trolls who can help?" she asks, remembering the few times she's run into Karkat. She knows Sollux isn't the only one in L.A. "I know I'm human, but...if you want -- you could tell me. I can at least try to understand..."

He hesitates, on that. Everything about who he was because his imprisonment tells him that would be pointlessly embarrassing and stupid. He'd be making himself look like such a loser by talking to a total stranger about his issues.

But the truth of the matter is, he isn't really that person anymore. Even if he desperately wants to be.

"I have friend and...romantic friend. Romance," he starts, obviously struggling with his limited English as he picks his way through the concept. "But trolls...have more romance. Different romance for help. For when I need help. I don't have those."

"Humans don't care for that. They say...psychovrist. Not...mn...pity right. Not correct."

Milly is really getting the feeling that this is going right over her head, but she struggles to understand anyway. It's important that she does. Sollux's broken English doesn't help, but she gets the picture -- sort of -- in vague, sketchy details.

"You have...more kinds of romance? Is that what you're saying?" Milly has to wonder if he's using the word romance right -- part of her wants to object to that, and she almost does, but she brings herself up short. What does she even know about aliens? About Alternians? "You mean there's...stuff in your society that's supposed to take care of this? Like a...someone designated to help you when you're hurt? A -- " She purses her lips, trying to find the words. "...A feelings doctor, maybe? But a friend? Why wouldn't humans care for that?"

"Yeah," he says, kind of surprised that she actually understood anything of what he was trying to get across. "Sex romance. Help romance. Hate romance." He bites his lip with an oversized fang. "Help romance is moirallegiance." He says the Alternian word, not knowing the English equivalent, if there even is one. "For when...you are unwell. For protect. For both trolls."

"Human 'feelings doctor' don't care for me like that. It's...bad, to me."

He debates trying to tell her that psychologists are like seeing a prostitute in troll culture, but he doesn't have nearly the vocabulary for that one.

Milly's still grasping at straws to understand what he's talking about, but she thinks -- she thinks she's getting a clearer picture here. "Human feelings doctors are bad -- ? Oh -- oh! Therapists are bad for you? You don't have therapists on your planet?"

Well, if they have some kind of social structure that fills that gap, it sort of makes sense. Milly's a little out of her depth with this kind of thing, and she's really trying, but she frets a little herself, scrunching up her nose with the effort to string it all together. "So if you had a moir -- mo -- moira -- a troll friend like that," she finally manages, lamely, "it'd be better for your mental health than a therapist? They'd be able to take care of you?"

"Yeah, I think so," he says, nodding to himself a little. He's not actually sure. It's been a long time since he's had one. But it's easy to fantasize.

"But humans don't do that. Not many trolls. It's really bad."

Milly frowns, obviously thinking hard about this. If there aren't enough other trolls around to help Sollux with his...troll romance friend problem, and his mental health is suffering for it... Urgh! It just makes her so upset to think that even the people who are supposed to be helping him are only doing more harm than good. She huffs out a breath, pursing her lips.

"What does a friend like that do? I mean...can you explain it a little more? Do you...talk about your feelings?"

"Yeah. You...talk at problems. And...they...stop you from stupid shit. And you stop them from stupid shit. They make you okay so you do other things."

It seems so simple to him that explaining it is difficult. Context is everything.

Maybe she's not really grasping the cultural divide here, but aside from the romance thing, that...doesn't really sound all that farfetched. Who wouldn't want a friend like that? She's sure she must be missing something here, but obviously the fundamentals make sense. More sense than she was expecting, actually.

"And a human can't do that?"

"KK my friend said they won't want to," he says, uncertainly. He mostly just has Karkat's word on it at this point. "They don't think it...important. Not romance. Moirallegiance is hard sometime."

"Well, I don't know who this KK is, but it doesn't sound like they've talked to that many humans," she says, frowning. "You haven't asked anyone, have you? I mean...I'll admit, it's a little strange to consider that, um...romance, by human standards...I guess that's something we have our own particulars about. But -- I mean, if someone really cared -- they'd be willing to try, right? Human friendships and romance aren't easy, either, but we still try, at least..."

"I didn't ask," he says, and though he sounds sort of ashamed, there is also a trace of hope in his expression that wasn't there before. "I...am bad so...it makes harder. And I don't speak well."

"Well -- hey, we're doing all right, aren't we?" Milly says, trying to be encouraging. "Look at us! We're having a real conversation and everything. I mean...don't get me wrong. I'm sure it's hard, when there are so few people around who speak your language, but...your English is already getting so much better! And..." She fumbles for something else uplifting to say, not wanting to bring him down. "You're not bad, Sollux. You just...need some help, that's all."

He takes what he can from those words, staring at his fidgeting hands as he considers it all. It a few moment before he can figure out what to say.

"Do you think humans would do this?" he asks.

"I think...some humans would," Milly says haltingly, smiling at him. "I think some humans definitely would. I know it's not the same, but...I'm sure if you met some more humans, and got to know them, you could find a m -- mor -- um -- that kind of romance friend. I mean, we take care of each other, too...maybe not in the same way, but I don't think it's so much a stretch. I think...some humans would be willing to learn, if they cared enough."

He hesitates, thinking that over. It sounds reasonable, he guesses. Maybe Karkat was wrong - it's not like that was unprecedented. The dumbass.

"I have to be better," he mumbles. "If they care."

"You don't have to be anything," Milly says firmly, reaching over to take Sollux's hand again -- tentatively, but he didn't seem to mind too much before. "If someone really cares about you, they'll be happy to help you...happy to make you feel better. That's what friends -- romance -- that's what it's all for."

That's what Milly would like to believe, anyway. She can relate, on some level, to a feeling of...being less than whole, but in her case, it doesn't have anything to do with a lack of romance in her life. She just...wants to feel like she belongs here.

He listens, as well as he can anyway. He lets her take his hand. But he doesn't think she understands what he's trying to say.

"But they have to care some," he says, slowly. "If they don't pity me they won't. No reason."

Milly's initial reaction is to balk in skepticism -- to assume he's wrong. "Pity? What? That's not what -- "

But she catches herself, remembering that Sollux isn't human -- not even close -- and that she doesn't actually know what she's talking about. Time to bite her tongue. "Sorry, I mean -- could you maybe explain what you mean? I think this is one of those things humans don't understand right away."

Ugh, it doesn't sound like she gets it. He doesn't have the verbal nuance for this kind of thing.

"Pity is why you romance. Pity is look at troll and want to help. See a troll weak but protect them instead of killing." He thinks, trying to remember an English word Karkat had mentioned. "Pity like love."

"Oh!" Milly says, her eyes lighting up in understanding. It...still doesn't make sense to her, but she's willing to write it off as a cultural difference thing for now at least. "Well, that makes sense...I think. So, um...what does it take for someone to pity you, then?"

"Um," he mumbles, trying to think of an actual answer for that. It's kind of complicated, isn't it? "I don't know. Thinking you worth helping. They think you're...um. Valuable?"

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bombsheltered - 2014-04-02 20:00 (UTC) - Expand

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