capitalh | there are dudes everywhere

Entry tags:

there are dudes everywhere

Who: Sollux, Feferi, Milly, and Ana. Also anyone else who wants in!
Where: Mostly around Grand Park in central LA.
When: Sometime during the week of the 16th, in the early evening.
What: CONDOR tries to get Sollux to deal with his hideous agoraphobia by getting him to go to the park for a while, under heavy surveillance. Also, previously, Sollux gets shown knives by his matesprit.
Warnings: Sollux problems.

There are less people in the park in the evening, but still enough to make Sollux nervous. Everything makes him nervous, which is why he was told to come out here. Despite his terror at the idea of trusting anything to CONDOR, and the fact that recently he's been convinced that it's only a matter of time until someone destroys him, after a great deal of persistence he's grudgingly accepted their offer for a way to work through some of his fears.

Apparently they are watching him, enough that they can keep him safe. The idea of being spied on doesn't bother him as much as the idea that their protection may not be adequate. He claws at his collar anxiously, sitting on a bench by himself and eyeing the water fountain with intense trepidation. Already, the sound of running water is starting to get to him.

Theoretically he can go whenever he wants, but he feels like he should be waiting for something to change. Like, maybe if he can keep himself from having a panic attack long enough, it won't happen at all. It's not seeming likely, though.

So he sits by himself on the bench, dressed in his red and blue flannel and jeans, trying to blend in. He doesn't really. The red and blue sunglasses he ordered online don't cover all the metal implants coming out of his head, and they definitely don't cover his horns or his great skin.

A lot of people have been staring at him, and it makes him want to start screaming. He may not see the CONDOR agents watching him, but other people very well might notice the government agents stalking this strange alien.

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Milly likes a nice walk every now and then -- it helps keep her mind off of things. When she's had a busy week, she likes to take the time to walk down to the park and just be with herself for a while, letting the open air occupy her senses. It's something she's taken to doing whenever she starts to experience discomfort in her own body -- something that's been happening more and more the older she gets. She'd always thought it'd get easier as time went on, this whole being a cyborg thing, but it doesn't. If anything, sometimes she feels like she's drifting even farther away from being human.

It's one of those days today. She can't seem to stop hearing the click and whir of the servos in her limbs, the steady, background hum of her power cells operating, and the sensation of feeling so foreign in her body is putting her on edge. She'd been so distracted at work today, she'd spilled hot coffee all over her hand and had hardly noticed until a horrified coworker had pointed it out to her. Milly finds herself wishing she had her old body back, but if she thinks about it too hard, she realizes that at this point, she's longing for a body she never really even had.

She walks a few laps around the park, slow and easy, trying to get in touch with the air, the trees. It helps some, but she still feels antsy -- restless. Maybe she'd be better off people watching -- there are always people out and about, especially when the weather is pleasant like it is right now, and Milly's always enjoyed watching people go about their lives. There's something...really soothing about it, somehow. She paces through the park, this time looking for a bench to sit down on, when she spots the same alien kid she'd ran into just a couple of weeks ago. He...seems less dodgy and terrified this time, but still a little on edge. Milly hesitates before she approaches him. He hadn't exactly reacted kindly to her presence before. But maybe the sign that he's out and about, just sitting in the park, means he'd be a little more amenable to conversation this time. Assuming his English is any better.

Milly approaches the bench a little haltingly, hands clasped behind her back. "Hi there...do you mind -- umm -- is it all right if I sit here too?"

For a moment he just stares at her, wide eyed, obviously recognizing her from before. Before, when he couldn't even remember his own name.

He's quick to look away, wrapping his arms around his needs. He nods.

"Yeah okay," he mumbles.

Milly had half-expected him to hiss at her until she left him alone, so when he acquiesces -- in English she can actually understand, to boot -- she's a little caught off guard. She gives him a hesitant smile, gingerly taking a seat next to him. She doesn't quite slip her purse off her shoulder, holding it in her lap.

"Oh! Um -- thank you," she says, and then proceeds to sit in silence for an uncomfortably long moment. She feels like she should say something, but...

Milly coughs delicately, glancing sidelong at Sollux. He seems...less panicked than the last time she'd met him, but no more pleased to be here. The poor thing. In the clearer light of day, she can see more of his implants where his sunglasses don't quite cover them. It gives her the chills.

"I'm -- uh -- I'm glad you made it home all right," she finally says, staring ahead at the small fountain in the center of the park. "...Last time, I mean. You -- you did get home all right -- right?"

He swallows. If anything he seems ashamed and embarrassed to see her again. Like he's aware of how weird the last time was.

"Police take me home," he says. "I was thinking bad. Stupid things." He glances at her, but only briefly. "I got okay."

Well that makes two of them for "ashamed and embarrassed" -- Milly can still feel the hot burn of an intensely awkward moment when she realized how upset she'd made Sollux just by being human.

"I'm -- I'm glad you're okay, then," Milly says, nodding, trying to smile -- reassuringly. She doesn't want Sollux to feel uncomfortable. He seems to...have an awful lot of that already, and he always seems like he's alone. Something about all of it just doesn't sit right with Milly. It almost makes her angry. "Do you like it out here? In the park?"

"No," he says, looking down at his knees. He feels better about humans than he did before, but there is still something off putting about meeting new ones. He knows they won't understand him. "It makes me feel unwell. Someone...someone will get me."

His English is definitely better than the last time they met, and that puts Milly a little more at ease. She's just so...awful at dealing with that sort of thing. She peers at him, biting her lip, her expression hedged, but sympathetic.

"The people who hurt you before, you mean?"

"Yeah..." He feels safe knowing how she reacted last time. At least she probably won't attack him. "They hurt me a long time. I'm...I'm thinking sick all the time so I had to come here."

Once again, Milly gets that familiar ache in her chest just listening to him talk about it. It makes her angry that someone made him so afraid -- afraid to trust anyone, maybe even himself. "I'm so sorry," she mumbles, but it feels horribly inadequate. What else can she say? "I just...I'm so, so sorry."

She thinks it must be a big deal for him to be out and about, all things considered. He doesn't seem...too put off by her presence this time, at least. She hesitates, wanting to reassure him somehow -- but there's nothing she can say that isn't a secret somehow. Instead, after a moment's deliberation, she holds out her hand -- gingerly, not wanting to invade his space.

"I know I told you my name before, but...I'm Milly. Could you -- would you like to tell me yours?"

He looks back at her, a little more accepting this time. He moves his hand forward, but doesn't quite make it to hers.

"Sollux," he says, after a moment. "I couldn't remember last time because fucked up brain."

"That's okay," Milly says, looking enormously relieved. "It's really okay. It's...nice to meet you, Sollux. Properly, anyway."

She smiles a little, tentative -- she's more worried about scaring him off than anything else -- and her gaze drops to his hand. She hesitates for a long moment, but then she draws in a little breath and reaches forward to clasp her hand over Sollux's in a light handshake.

He awkwardly returns the handshake - it's honestly not a gesture he is super familiar with, but he gets the point. He frowns at her, but it's more thoughtful than upset.

"Why you talk at me?" he asks. "Why you want talk?"

Milly had been ready for him to scream or something, so when he accepts the gesture she's relieved, smiling. But the question brings her up short, and she falters, fumbling for an answer.

"Because...because you looked lonely," she says, and it's the truth -- just not the whole truth. "You looked like -- like you needed a friend."

"Oh..." he says quietly, staring at the grass in front of them. Her answer seems to bring on a certain melancholy in his demeanor. He doesn't say anything for a while.

"I'm having trouble," he says, finally. He doesn't look at her. "I'm worse but nobody can help me."

"What kind of trouble?" Milly asks, almost immediately. Maybe she shouldn't pry -- maybe Sollux doesn't want her asking questions -- but he's telling her all the same. She has a hard time accepting that he wouldn't need -- or want -- her help. "Why can't anyone help you?"

"Because...troll things," he says. He wraps his arms around himself. "Because I'm...sick and humans don't know. Brain sick and I'm scared."

Milly feels so helpless listening to him, and it frustrates her. She hardly knows Sollux, but she knows someone who needs help when she sees them, and it's -- well, it's all she wants to do. She balls her hands into fists in her lap, watching him with a look of concern and sympathy.

"Aren't there any other trolls who can help?" she asks, remembering the few times she's run into Karkat. She knows Sollux isn't the only one in L.A. "I know I'm human, but...if you want -- you could tell me. I can at least try to understand..."

He hesitates, on that. Everything about who he was because his imprisonment tells him that would be pointlessly embarrassing and stupid. He'd be making himself look like such a loser by talking to a total stranger about his issues.

But the truth of the matter is, he isn't really that person anymore. Even if he desperately wants to be.

"I have friend and...romantic friend. Romance," he starts, obviously struggling with his limited English as he picks his way through the concept. "But trolls...have more romance. Different romance for help. For when I need help. I don't have those."

"Humans don't care for that. They say...psychovrist. Not...mn...pity right. Not correct."

Milly is really getting the feeling that this is going right over her head, but she struggles to understand anyway. It's important that she does. Sollux's broken English doesn't help, but she gets the picture -- sort of -- in vague, sketchy details.

"You have...more kinds of romance? Is that what you're saying?" Milly has to wonder if he's using the word romance right -- part of her wants to object to that, and she almost does, but she brings herself up short. What does she even know about aliens? About Alternians? "You mean there's...stuff in your society that's supposed to take care of this? Like a...someone designated to help you when you're hurt? A -- " She purses her lips, trying to find the words. "...A feelings doctor, maybe? But a friend? Why wouldn't humans care for that?"

"Yeah," he says, kind of surprised that she actually understood anything of what he was trying to get across. "Sex romance. Help romance. Hate romance." He bites his lip with an oversized fang. "Help romance is moirallegiance." He says the Alternian word, not knowing the English equivalent, if there even is one. "For when...you are unwell. For protect. For both trolls."

"Human 'feelings doctor' don't care for me like that. It's...bad, to me."

He debates trying to tell her that psychologists are like seeing a prostitute in troll culture, but he doesn't have nearly the vocabulary for that one.

Milly's still grasping at straws to understand what he's talking about, but she thinks -- she thinks she's getting a clearer picture here. "Human feelings doctors are bad -- ? Oh -- oh! Therapists are bad for you? You don't have therapists on your planet?"

Well, if they have some kind of social structure that fills that gap, it sort of makes sense. Milly's a little out of her depth with this kind of thing, and she's really trying, but she frets a little herself, scrunching up her nose with the effort to string it all together. "So if you had a moir -- mo -- moira -- a troll friend like that," she finally manages, lamely, "it'd be better for your mental health than a therapist? They'd be able to take care of you?"

"Yeah, I think so," he says, nodding to himself a little. He's not actually sure. It's been a long time since he's had one. But it's easy to fantasize.

"But humans don't do that. Not many trolls. It's really bad."

Milly frowns, obviously thinking hard about this. If there aren't enough other trolls around to help Sollux with his...troll romance friend problem, and his mental health is suffering for it... Urgh! It just makes her so upset to think that even the people who are supposed to be helping him are only doing more harm than good. She huffs out a breath, pursing her lips.

"What does a friend like that do? I mean...can you explain it a little more? Do you...talk about your feelings?"

"Yeah. You...talk at problems. And...they...stop you from stupid shit. And you stop them from stupid shit. They make you okay so you do other things."

It seems so simple to him that explaining it is difficult. Context is everything.

Maybe she's not really grasping the cultural divide here, but aside from the romance thing, that...doesn't really sound all that farfetched. Who wouldn't want a friend like that? She's sure she must be missing something here, but obviously the fundamentals make sense. More sense than she was expecting, actually.

"And a human can't do that?"

there are dudes everywhere

SORRY IT TOOK ME A WHOLE WEEK TO TAG THIS WHOOPS

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HA HA AND NOW WITH THE CORRECT ACCOUNT. except then i lost the tag whoops

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